Flash back: 2007

March 2007:
So I have a big dilemma that has been stressing me out.  My doctor got ahold of me, and he wants to do back surgery on me.  I'll be honest, I was so excited to hear this.  I've always wanted them to remove that part of my spine that is really bad, and straighten it.  I've read reports, and there is a lot of success.  My doctor said that it isn't as risky as he once thought, and he was confident that it would be an improvement.  My first thought, was hell yea, it's about time.  Then doubt sets in.

I'm actually doing really good.  Yea, I hate going to get shots in my back every week, but for the first time it actually gets rid of my pain.  I'm in the best shape I've every been.  I'm happy.  Things are good.  I'm afraid to jinx it ya know.  What happens if I have the surgery and the risk is too great, and im paralysed…that would suck… plus having another surgery worries my parents…I hate worrying them.  If it was just me, I would do it in a heartbeat.  What can I say, I like to gamble and take risks…but I have them to think about…
I've always believed that some risks in life are worth taking, it makes life interesting.  Whatever happens, happens.  Is that selfish of me, just thinking about me, and not what the effects the surgery could have on others?  Then again, don't i deserve to be a little selfish now and again.

Worst case scenario, I DIE! which would totally suck dont' get me wrong, but hey we all die sometime, I'm not afraid, but i worry how that would affect the family.  Next case scenario, I can't feel my legs.  Not good, but hey I'm not dead, so i could adapt.  I'm a pretty happy person, and I would survive....however, that would put a strain on my family....   Another scenario, the surgery wont be successful, and I'll be back to square one.  But omg, if it actually worked, the best case scenario, a straighter back...that would be awesome....
Oh what should I do…..

Fast Forward:  2011

I decided the risk was worth it.  At the time I felt that this was my only chance to get a normal looking spine.  Not only would it look better but it would also open my chest up and make more room for my lungs and heart.  So maybe one day I could have children.  The surgery was in November.  By this time so much had changed, I had a fiancée, I had moved to Louisiana... I had so much to live for.... but I still couldn't say no.  I went into the surgery with so many hopes, and I woke up devastated.
The surgeon wanted to remove part of the spine and put it back together, but when he removed the vertebrae I was missing the dura that protects the spinal cord.  It caused a massive spinal fluid leak, so he had to do damage control and repair the leak.  He stopped the procedure and that was that.  Same back, no change.
I couldn't believe I went through all that, not only did I deal with recovering from a failed surgery but for 2 months I had a slow spinal fluid leak.  So I couldn't move, I was in so much pain... I would lay around, and feel that my life meant nothing.  I had to have another surgery to repair the leak.  After that, my chances of having a better spine was shattered, that was my last chance, and it was gone.  Plus that now meant now I couldn't have children....