Sunday, April 22, 2012

Close your eyes and listen

April 17th... the day my Uncle Doug passed away.  It was the one year anniversary a couple of days ago.  I could not find the motivation to write a post until now.  You see to me, every day is the same.  I don't miss him more just because he passed on that day, heck my older sister feels like he truly passed the day before.  To me its only a day to count how long he's been gone.  It does not measure my sadness.  I do not think of him any less on the other days.  He is always on my mind. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him in some way.  Something said or seen reminds me of him.  I miss him terribly.  I wonder if he's happy where he's at, I wonder if he looks out at us from time to time.  I'm not sure what heaven entails, but I do know that one day I will see him again.

Now some of you who do not know me, might be like "why is she so sad about her Uncle.."  He just wasn't an Uncle.. he was a second father.  My dad and him were twins.  Inseparable.  He lived next door to us for as long as I can remember.  When my dad couldn't take me to cheerleading, or to my friends house, he was always there.  The numerous times I was in the hospital, I could always count on him to keep me occupied.  We would sit and talk about life, about murder, lol we loved the forensic shows.

He was such a giving person.  He loved kids.  Months after I had MaKena, Alex was working overtime, and I was stressed out.  My Uncle came down to Louisiana and lived with us.  He helped out so much.  I remember this one time where we were shopping and a lady thought he was my husband, MaKena his daughter, lol.. the look on his face was priceless.  Or the time where we actually got him to wear a suit for my wedding.  I remember his maroon fish sweatshirt, or him talking about being superior because he was left handed.  He would be so proud to know MaKena takes after him.

People say that the pain, grief, gets easier as the time goes.  I can honestly say it does..  I don't bust out in tears as much.  I can now think of him and the wonderful memories and hold a smile on my face.  But there are still times when I am caught off guard.  Like when my 3 year old daughter says "I miss Uncle Doug," "Can we go to heaven and see him now,"  "where is he, why isn't he with papa."  Those are the tough times because its hard to not break down, its hard to explain to a 3 year old.  She doesn't understand why he can't be here... and to be honest some days I cannot understand why he's not here.  I went and seen the Band Perry the other night and totally lost it, when they played "Amazing Grace" expectantly.  I haven't heard that since his funeral.

It's hard thinking about all the stuff we're missing out on with him being gone.  Morgan will never know him.  Now he'll never buy me that pony I always wanted ;o)

I'm lucky in a sense though... because I have my father.  Sometimes if you look at him just right, or close your eyes and listen you will catch a glimpse of my uncle.  It's like my father carries a piece of him.

Maybe he does, maybe its just the twin thing, or maybe my uncle is following him around and you catch a glimpse of him.. who knows.  Now would be a good time to have my uncle around so I could get his opinion ;o)  This is a perfect example of a topic we would discuss ;o)  But sadly he is gone, and until we meet again, know that he is truly loved and missed.

2 comments:

  1. Well put Amber well put! Uncle Doug an amazing part of your family, I am lucky to have known him ;) xo ((HUGS))

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